Sleeping With Him

 You see, I came from a long relationship that lacked affection. There was no kind words of affection. There was no cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. The was no passionate sex, or cuddling after sex. There was not much interaction at all. That was my first love. Don't know why. I had no reason to be in love with this man, but I was. ( Guess I was young and impressionable)

Then I went into a serious relationship, where I actually married the guy. Again, don't know why, but I did. He was controlling and obsessive. He actually wanted me all to himself, all the time. For me to go out with friends was an issue. For me to talk on the phone with my mother for long periods of time was a bigger issue, especially if I spoke in my native language. These trouble escalated and eventually led to some abusive behaviors. He wanted me to isolate from the world and my free time outside of work should've been all his.
So, the insulting words began, the threats began, and eventually it got physical. It wasn't a place for me. I knew i deserved better. I left!

A year and a half later after my divorce I find myself with someone new. Someone exciting, who seems to love me for me. He doesn't try to control. He doesn't keep his distance. He is very affectionate. At night time, when we sleep together, he always seems to find me in his sleep. It seems bizarre to me, but it makes me smile. He will reach out for me every time he moves in the middle of the night. I don't know why he does this, but it feels so good. His hands on my skin feel so good. He hugs me all the time, which if you didn't already know releases endorphins. I don't know, but I am finding myself, once again, feeling love in my heart.

Now, I don't want to rush things. I don't want to run and get married. I just want to be loved and see what this love develops into. I think that from my long-term previous relationships I can spot out the red flags, but I hoping I don;t spot any!

Sitting at home on this snowy days random thoughts run through my mind as usual......
A question that a client asked me at worked once began to cloud my mind.....
As a social worker/ counselor who has major in psychology, some would think that we have all the answers to their psychological issues. However, this could not be more incorrect.....
Anyways, I am rambling.... so this client asked me

Are we who we are before medication or after we have been medicated for our mental issues?

I was not sure how to answer this and kind of bullshitted an answer about how it depends on what perspective we are looking at this from and blah blah blah......

Now as a person who takes a mood stabilizer and an anxiety medication, I began to ask myself the same question. Am I who I am on my meds? Or am I who I am off my meds?

Off my medication I tend to be a very high strong person for periods of time. Ill be that extra happy person all the time. That bubbly person that says hello to strangers and seems totally content with her life. Without medication I have periods were I get many panic attacks and I become a little paranoid about people's intentions. I can get very depressed at times also, although I am very good at hiding this when I am not alone. When I am alone and depressed I cry and I eat and I cry and I eat, for no particular reason whatsoever. 

In comparison, on my medication I am still a bit of a high strong person and I still say hello to strangers and I am polite to everyone and I dance and I sing, but not the way I used to before. Not with the passion and pleasure that I felt I did it before. I feel kind of flat sometimes, like I have to force myself to be this extra happy person, and honestly I kind of miss the mania!

So who am I?

Lost pieces

Sometimes when we are in love or infactuated with someone, we do not stop to think what will happen to us, meaning "you". What happens to one when we invest all our time thinking about this person that we feel a connection, some weird chemistry, with.
Questions clutter our mind every second of the day. Do they feel the same way we do? Do they think about us as much as we think about them? Do they think of you any time they are coming up with a decision?......The problem is that sometimes one will never know, and that is ohhhhhhh so frustrating.
However, one thing that we need to be aware of is not to loose ourselves in the process of all this commotion. I mean, think about it.....have you stopped listening to someone of the music that you like because your partner may not like it? Have you stopped going to places that you once enjoyed because of that person? Have you stopped  talking to certain people that you truly love because of the relationship?
It is sad to say, but we all do it to some extent......
Not on purpose.....
And sometimes we don't even notice we do, but we do......
So what do you do about it?
Do you continue on with life knowing that a piece of you is now floating in space and may some how be forgotten?
How do you live with that?

Is sex a choice or an obligation?

When involved in a loving relationship sex is supposed to be a choice. Never in my life did I think that anyone would consider it an obligation. Well, apparently some people do!
Sex is supposed to be something romantic and emotional and exciting. Sex happens when two people begin to kiss and touch, and the two become aroused and overwhelmed with emotions and bang it happens.
I dont know if anyone feels like I do or if its just me, but when I am pissed off sex seems to be the last thing on my mind. I also hardly ever think of sex at random moments, like when my family just walked out the door after poker night at 2am.
I also dont get turned on when my partner tell me "Babe I am horny, how about you?". To me such statements are such a turn off because if I answer "No." than his feelings might get hurt, so to avoid it I have to answer "Yes." even if I am absolutely not. I dont feel like thats fair because not only am I telling a lie, but I am also doing something I dont want to do. Dont get me wrong when it gets started with all the foreplay is great, but the initial opening of sex is so obnoxious.
I have hinted several times that asking me if I am horny does not cut it for me, but he doesnt seem to get it because he continues to do, and his excuse it "I dont like rejection, so I rather ask before I do anything.". Really? What kind of shit is that? What happened to the romance? What happened to the appropiate foreplaying before we reach intercouse? I just dont understand it!
So, what do I do in such a situation? I enjoy our sex very much, but I want it to start with a kiss or a playful way. Not a question about whether I am horny or not. Is that to much to ask for? I dont know what to do to change this.......

Anxiety

Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression. It is common that people dealing with depression will have some sort of anxiety. Anxiety is usually a reaction to stress leaving a person to feel multiple symptoms. People who experience anxiety may have a feeling of uneasiness, fear, worry, dread, and many more similar. Everyone is different and our levels of stress can vary; therefore, symptoms of anxiety change from person to person. While one person might experience just a butterfly feeling in their stomach and uneasiness another might have more severe symptoms such as, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, extreme sweat, and so on.
Because of the depression that I am currently under I am feeling some levels of anxiety. I am not exactly sure what level of anxiety I have and the severity of it. All I know right now is what I feel on a daily basis....and let me tell you, it is a scary feeling. This to me is not just being nervous for a test, an interviewing, worrying about an assignment, or whether or not I am going to be able to buy those pretty shoes I have been checking out at the local boutique. It is a feeling very hard to explain. I suddenly get these overwhelming feelings that leave me short of breath, heart racing, uncontrollable shakes, back pain, and severe headaches. They usually take place when I least expect it and it catches me by surprise in such a way that I panic and a million thoughts start racing through my head. The first time I got an anxiety I thought I was going to die. I felt so short of breath that I became dizzy and thought I was for sure going to pass out. It scared me so much that I immediately grabbed the computer and started searching for a way to fix it. I needed to read something that will tell me that everything was going to be okay.
I searched many websites trough out the course of a couple hours and they pretty much all gave the same ideas. One of the ideas that really stuck out to me was to buy a rubber band and wear it on your wrist. Every time you experience an anxiety attack snap the rubber band on your wrist to take your concentration from the attack to the pain you are inflicting on yourself. I found this very intriguing because thou it might be helpful, I thought it could also be dangerous. I kept thinking to myself "What if I like this pain and I continue to do this for a long time?". I became afraid that I might go from being depressed to one of those people who like to inflict pain on themselves. So, I opted not to follow that suggestion. However, I did find two suggestions that were very helpful. One was to tell yourself that the attack is temporary and it will soon be over, and the other one was to count backwards from 30 to 1 because the attacks usually last about 30 seconds.
I went out on a date with a guy I met online and I figured that the attacks will start coming on like candy pouring out of a pinata. Sure enough I was right. I decided to put the suggestions to the test and every time that I would have an anxiety attack I will count from 30 to 1, and if by the time I got to 1 I was still feeling anxiety I would tell myself that everything was going to be okay. I did it and it actually worked. I might have seemed a little distracted for a few seconds but within a minute I back to normal and chatting away. He didn't notice I was doing all this, so I found the suggestions to be very successful. Now, every time I have an anxiety I just count and breath as normal as I possibly can and everything is alright. I also start singing Bob Marley songs in my head for a few seconds and that also helps as well.
If you have anxiety I suggest that u find something to keep your mind distracted from the attack and onto something else, rather than becoming upset over it. It works....I promise, and in the end you will feel so much better and actually proud of yourself. I know I did!

Learning what this is.....

So, I was diagnosed with depression about two months. I knew I was sad because of certain events that took place in my life, but I thought it was just something that I would get over by just venting to someone about my problems and concerns. I never thought that depression was a serious condition. I simply thought that people who have depression just have the blues because they are upset about something, but with time the heart will heal from whatever it was. Oh boy, was I wrong! As time continued on I felt myself getting more and more upset with out really having an explanation. Everything on t.v. made me cry. Thoughts would constantly clutter my head with things I had no desire to think about....but I did and I couldn't help it. I constantly felt like I had drank 20 cups of coffee, with anxiety so high that I just wanted to jump in front of a moving truck just so that I wouldn't have to feel this anymore. Well, I have decided that I no longer want to live like this,so, I went online and started doing some research on what depression actually is. From that research I came to the conclusion that no one really knows exactly what depression is or exactly why people get it.....which wasn't very encouraging! Researchers believe that certain things can cause depression; such as, genetics, biochemicals, the environment, and psychosocial factors. However, the encouraging news that I did discover is that depression may be defeated with drugs, counseling, and the will to change it. I myself have started treating myself with a drug called Lexapro, which has a 50/50 chance of working and making me normal again. This medicine takes 4 to 6 weeks to perform its effect, so in the mean time I will continue to research on other ways to get out of this funk and see how they work. I am going to attempt a different strategy every week, aside from my meds and therapy, and I will keep you updated on how it worked for me. I am excited and look forward to making the changes in my life that I need to beat this awful disease because I hate it and it has taken control of my life in a way I never thought possible. I want to over come this so this is my start.....