Sleeping With Him

 You see, I came from a long relationship that lacked affection. There was no kind words of affection. There was no cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. The was no passionate sex, or cuddling after sex. There was not much interaction at all. That was my first love. Don't know why. I had no reason to be in love with this man, but I was. ( Guess I was young and impressionable)

Then I went into a serious relationship, where I actually married the guy. Again, don't know why, but I did. He was controlling and obsessive. He actually wanted me all to himself, all the time. For me to go out with friends was an issue. For me to talk on the phone with my mother for long periods of time was a bigger issue, especially if I spoke in my native language. These trouble escalated and eventually led to some abusive behaviors. He wanted me to isolate from the world and my free time outside of work should've been all his.
So, the insulting words began, the threats began, and eventually it got physical. It wasn't a place for me. I knew i deserved better. I left!

A year and a half later after my divorce I find myself with someone new. Someone exciting, who seems to love me for me. He doesn't try to control. He doesn't keep his distance. He is very affectionate. At night time, when we sleep together, he always seems to find me in his sleep. It seems bizarre to me, but it makes me smile. He will reach out for me every time he moves in the middle of the night. I don't know why he does this, but it feels so good. His hands on my skin feel so good. He hugs me all the time, which if you didn't already know releases endorphins. I don't know, but I am finding myself, once again, feeling love in my heart.

Now, I don't want to rush things. I don't want to run and get married. I just want to be loved and see what this love develops into. I think that from my long-term previous relationships I can spot out the red flags, but I hoping I don;t spot any!

Sitting at home on this snowy days random thoughts run through my mind as usual......
A question that a client asked me at worked once began to cloud my mind.....
As a social worker/ counselor who has major in psychology, some would think that we have all the answers to their psychological issues. However, this could not be more incorrect.....
Anyways, I am rambling.... so this client asked me

Are we who we are before medication or after we have been medicated for our mental issues?

I was not sure how to answer this and kind of bullshitted an answer about how it depends on what perspective we are looking at this from and blah blah blah......

Now as a person who takes a mood stabilizer and an anxiety medication, I began to ask myself the same question. Am I who I am on my meds? Or am I who I am off my meds?

Off my medication I tend to be a very high strong person for periods of time. Ill be that extra happy person all the time. That bubbly person that says hello to strangers and seems totally content with her life. Without medication I have periods were I get many panic attacks and I become a little paranoid about people's intentions. I can get very depressed at times also, although I am very good at hiding this when I am not alone. When I am alone and depressed I cry and I eat and I cry and I eat, for no particular reason whatsoever. 

In comparison, on my medication I am still a bit of a high strong person and I still say hello to strangers and I am polite to everyone and I dance and I sing, but not the way I used to before. Not with the passion and pleasure that I felt I did it before. I feel kind of flat sometimes, like I have to force myself to be this extra happy person, and honestly I kind of miss the mania!

So who am I?

Lost pieces

Sometimes when we are in love or infactuated with someone, we do not stop to think what will happen to us, meaning "you". What happens to one when we invest all our time thinking about this person that we feel a connection, some weird chemistry, with.
Questions clutter our mind every second of the day. Do they feel the same way we do? Do they think about us as much as we think about them? Do they think of you any time they are coming up with a decision?......The problem is that sometimes one will never know, and that is ohhhhhhh so frustrating.
However, one thing that we need to be aware of is not to loose ourselves in the process of all this commotion. I mean, think about it.....have you stopped listening to someone of the music that you like because your partner may not like it? Have you stopped going to places that you once enjoyed because of that person? Have you stopped  talking to certain people that you truly love because of the relationship?
It is sad to say, but we all do it to some extent......
Not on purpose.....
And sometimes we don't even notice we do, but we do......
So what do you do about it?
Do you continue on with life knowing that a piece of you is now floating in space and may some how be forgotten?
How do you live with that?